i've often stated that i wish i could be a religious person. i try and live my life experiencing every single thing i can, and no matter how hard i try and foster some kind of need for knowing what will happen, no matter how hard i try and make myself need 'certainty' of some kind, it just doesn't work.
"Destiny is what we work toward. The future doesn't exist yet. Fate is for losers!"jake made me think a lot more about this kind of stuff, because of the kind of life he said he has led. while not a malicious person, jake also has a bad habit of casting people down around his feet. people have a hard time approaching him (for reasons he says he can't understand) and have, even through all of this, approached me instead. because, as i tend to be, i am a dictionary for whatever troubled, misunderstood musician i tend to keep in my periphery.
someone on thursday told me they think he thinks he's a god, during a conversation about thought patterns and actions
(let me just state that i love where i work. i can get called into an office for a meeting and end up discussing god and new media at the drop of hat). i laughed uncomfortably.
on friday, someone pulled me aside to his desk to have a talk about me about what he perceived (he wouldn't do this lightly). after someone else
(whose opinion i hold in high regard, but am surprised to have been given it after all this time) told me to stop feeding his ego.
they all have excellent points.
the night i spent at home in chicago before the lab, i read aloud:
"we'll call this 'the circles and squares of human consciousness'. what the chinese call..."
"i tuned that douchebag out instantly, why are you doing this?"
the people who write these books have phds and masters degrees in math and physics and god knows what else. they're educated, interesting people who find disparate things and relate them through pseudoscience. some of them insist they hang out with egyptian gods, some of them think that they lived in caves, and all of them see too much in everything.
i know that i'll never gain any sense of enlightenment, or comfort out of this. that i'll never feel that 'peace' so many people who practice this get from trying to 'ascend' in whatever way. i'l never feel connected to anything the way jake thinks he is.
this stuff is a blending of the 'right and left brains'. the perfect balance of male and female. it has the fake math to back up the completely ridiculous statements. i understand it's appeal for him and for others.
i can read it. i can fully understand it. i can have conversations based on these subjects, and be completely engaged. i can practice it's principles and derive joy from it's ideas. i can love rocks and understand how to work with them. i can be fascinated with geometry and math and physics and attempt to learn how the physical world around me interacts. i can spend time meditating and remember to be grateful for everything i receive.
but i'll never be a smug, sanctimonius prick. and it seems like that's an attitude you either need to 'ascend', or derive immediately once you're 'there'.
i'll continue reading all of this. i'll keep learning, and keep applying what i've learned so i remember it. but ultimately, i can't convince myself that 'everything is exactly as it should be' because of some blind faith that it is.
Tags: jake, photography, rocks n shit
Current Mood: 
thoughtful
Current Music: sufjan stevens
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